man, kasey has really done it now. i can't help but be absolutley repulsed by the fact that she is having sex with my ex boyfriend. she always said she would be there for me and that she would kill him if he ever hurt me. yeah, i may have lied about my age. it's not like i told him i was 30 and was really only 15. i upped it a year. what's the fucking difference? it's tough to try to make sense of this whole mess. i know that god only hands things to people that he knows they can handle and i'm having a rough time trying to figure this one out. a new years resolution was to better myself and face all my horrible qualities head on. i wanted to come clean to everyone and make things right. i am facing the facts, owning up to my responsibilities (does that even make sense???). i thought that that alone would make me feel good about myself. i am not doing anything stupid to hurt the two of them, i'm dealing with it myself. god man, this shit is just too much for me i guess.....too many crazy mixed up thoughts running through my head, i can hardly stand it. i know that this is so much better for me. venting on paper, or whatever, instead of being impulsive and making things so much worse. he is such a hypocryte, i can't help but want to do something SO dirty and low blow like he's doing to me, but in all honesty, what would that solve?? absofuckinglutley nothing! knowing him like i do, he would do something even more horrible. he's a vindictive asshole, going fucking no where. what, honestly, did i see in him?? i think the allure of him being NOTHING like anyone i have ever dated was definilty the ONLY thing i saw in him. i actually did see a little good....underneath the tatttoo's, piercings, crazy hair and temper.....i have got to stop thinking that and that scares me.....i want to believe everyone has good in them! but it only ends of backfiring....i get hurt, what's new. this isn't the first time a good friend has chosen a man over me, a man that i dearly cared about to boot....what the fuck is that all about?? why, am i that terrible of a person, am i that naive? oh man, i'm totally babbling. OHHHHHHH man, it would be SO easy for me to just do something so vindictive right now and it would make me feeel better for about twenty minutes...even though this whole self restraint/respect thing is eating me away inside, it's going to all pay off in the end.
i wrote kasey a letter tonight. just rambling, i don't plan on giving it to her because i'ts pretty harsh. i said "i hope letting him stick it in is so fucking great that it makes up for the friendship you destroyed"....i thought that was pretty good!! hahaha. i also called her a dirty little whore, childlish and immature, i know, but making me feel better seeing it on paper.
well i do believe i have written enough, i am still not exactly sure how this whole thing works, but i guess i will just find out as i go along.